it's all that i can hear, it's more than i can bear

because i still do.

always.

--

Hope you've had a pleasant weekend, guys.

:)

with you in me

"hey."

"mm?"

"thanks."

"what for?"



"for forgiving me."

--

The time signature at the bottom of the post lies. It is not eleven forty three. It is actually two fifty eight in the morning. I clicked the 'new post' button just as my phone started ringing.

Obviously, I took the call.

It was a nice call. :)

THEN I finished catching up on all the tumblr I've been missing out on and just as I was about to start writing here, my right hand started to itch quite terribly. I thought it would go away and considered just writing anyway and waiting it out.
But it got to the point of being painful, which is when I took it down to see dad who then made me take Zyrtec.

It took A LOT of willpower not to call and wake you.

But I think the medicine made it better because it feels absolutely fine now.

When I was downstairs with the medication, I ate ice cream, drank milo and watched LA Ink. And now my eyelids are starting to droop.
When the show ended, I clambered up to my room, tumblred a bit more, ran through tomorrow's entire worship set and some and then got back on tumblr.

All this time I've been thinking about ways to write a pretty blog post which I DO intend on doing.

But maybe not tonight.

Because tonight, sleep will come easy.

I look forward to see you.

Take it easy,

:)

i think you are loving something

Paloma is Hema's four year old niece.

"We were swimming in a pool late at night and meowing at each other. Paloma whispered to me 'Hema, I'm a soft fish.' I thought she meant hard-soft and I said, 'Yes, I am a hard fish'. So she kept repeating it until she finally added with a sigh 'You are a noisy fish. I am a soft fish'. And then she stared at me for a long time and I kissed her."

If this girl wrote a book, I wouldn't eat or sleep before I finished reading it cover to cover. I cannot put into words how beautifully constructed I find this.

--

Hey blog.

I'm sitting in front of the TV watching The Biggest Loser Asia after having eaten McD's for dinner. For some reason, I always manage to catch The Biggest Loser while or after having eaten something undeniably unhealthy.

Maybe it's a coincidence.

Maybe I just eat unhealthy things all the time.

Hah.

My day's been okay. Woke up at nine which is very very early for me, especially if I have nothing planned. But I felt well rested, so it was all okay.
(Note: My sleep tracker graph is ridiculously erratic looking.)

A calm afternoon. I feel at peace. I've had two cups of coffee today, yet I still feel like I could drift off right now. I tried napping from five to six, but because of the coffee, I ended up lying on my bed with my eyes open for an hour.
That's okay, though. It was good thinking time. I think I needed it, considering the past few days' events.

--
To what was, and will never be again:


Although this is life and life means moving on, I will not deny that there was a slight sense of loss that came to me while I scribbled this all out.
I know I haven't lost you, that's for sure. But there is something about you not being five minutes away anymore that makes me sad.

It's not a bad sad.

Just a small one.

I'm happy you like the new place more.
It'll probably be better for you.
And that makes me smile inside.

--

Hope you're all well.

:)

this is what my brain felt like when i woke up

But I'm okay now.

Hope you're all well.

:)

he broke you

and for the first time in my life,

i want to stop feeling.

i don't want to feel anything.





anything at all.

you're so unbecoming

YOU'RE UNBECOMING!!

--

Because this is my way of being mature around my mother.

Yet this is what I have lying around as evidence otherwise.


She was badgering me because I was acting very very disgruntled that I had to be awake and making grunty sounds. (Because I feel that being disgruntled means that you have to grunt.)
She then went on to tell me that I would gross out my date and would only attract drug addicts in the future.

I made faces at her.

Evidently I took what she said VERY seriously.

--

Lit was a real belly jiggler today.
(HAHAHAHAHA. WHAT A PHRASE. BELLY JIGGLER. LOL.)

Ms. C sponsored a mid class snack and we all had some strange form of the giggles. Maybe because we all had food in our tummies.
nom nom nom.

Pepsi Max is yummo.

Mostly because there isn't any Pepsi taste.

--

Rach came by to visit and brought a chocolate milkshake for me.

You don't understand how unbelievably awesome this is.

:)

you're the peanut butter to my jelly

"And I think to myself, 'Hmm. Would I say that to people? Uh, probably not.'"

"Yeah. But you're not people."



"You're person."

--

Well, ello ello!

As you can see my interweb access is nice and back and cool again. This is a good thing because I have Lit research to do and without the internet, I will fail at what it is I need to do.
Yes. Okay.

School started today.

And of course, after getting up really early for our morning Law class we all go in to find it cancelled. That made our only class of the day Econs/Bio and that was at two.

TWO!

gragh.

Nevermind.

We played the famous people forehead game and I won a tonne of money.

Okay. Not a tonne. Four ringgit. But if you understand the nature of this game
you will come to realise that that is a bloody lot of money to win.

Did we all look like idiots in the middle of the DSA with large pieces of paper stuck to our foreheads?

Yes.

Was it worth it?

Ohhhhh yeah.

Brilliantness, man. I had SO much fun. I think we all did.

Heh.

Hope y'all are doing well.

:)

my internet sucks and won't work

Which is why this is not what I wanted to post. I'm on my phone, using Edge.

No colour.

Annoying.

Yeah. If the Internet is back tomorrow, I'll have it up for sure. If not, then whenever it DOES decide to work again.

Till then, hope you're all well.

:)

guess where I was last night

:)

what's your heartsong?

Hey.

So I've been watching American Idol recently, you know, because it's showing, and a thought occurred to me in the middle of the latest episode.

Singing requires you to be vulnerable. When you get up there and open your mouth to let your heart talk, you expose it to whoever is listening. That's why people get so quickly offended when you tell them they suck. They feel like you've attacked them while they were allowing you to see them as they are.

I don't know how well this is coming across. I haven't written a post like this in a while.

So yeah.

When I sing in front of people, I know that I am allowing this to happen. That someone hearing me sing and understands what I'm saying through the song probably understands me better than they did before.
In the past, I was afraid to sing in front of people because I was afraid of exposing myself so easily.

As I have slowly come to terms with performing, I realise I have also slowly come to terms with being emotionally honest with people.
And myself.

I've come to realise that showing weakness doesn't make you weak. That telling someone you love them doesn't make you a wuss. That hurting is a hundred times better than not feeling at all.

It's crazy that this all became presentable thought during a show I watch for mere entertainment.

Still feels good though.

Kind of like a revelation.

I just realised that music has made me a more well rounded person. I'm more aware of me.

Which makes me more aware of you.

Hope you're all well.

:)

dylan the dragon

BLEARGH!

Yes. I'm totally a princess.

Haha. Eunice. Haha.

My knee is on fire. It's been hurting for a while but it's gotten worse over the past few days. Apparently it is inflamed. That makes it radiate heat as well as very very annoying. I can't climb the stairs properly or sit and stand comfortably.

BUT I AM OKAY.

:)

Alex owned me in bowling today.
I blame my knee.

It is SO on when I'm better.

For all I know, he could still whoop my ass. But we don't know that yet.
You know, when we were younger, I used to win everything. It was kind of a given that I was better at everything we both tried because I was older and stronger and smarter.

He got used to losing to me and I refused to let him better me at ANYTHING.

But now we've both grown up and I've realised that I can't be the best at everything and that he needs his spotlight too.
And I'm perfectly okay with that.

He's a good kid.

Hope you're well.

:)

frozen in time

hello blog.

I have a yesterday post for you, but it is stuck. The window was open on my computer the whole night and then when it came time for me to post it, the Internet died.

How anything else works for me I will never know.

I'll post the post later when I get home. I can't be bothered to do it now, waiting for Cheryl and Yann to pick Alex and I up.

Whoort.

I had a good yesterday.
I had a good last night.
I had a good nights rest.

Yes, things DO seem to be working out in my favour. Haha.

Have a great one!

:)

i had a real post for you, but i moved it to say this

Sometimes you come to a point where you have to make a decision.

You have to decide whether or not to do something based on what is wrong and what is right. Based on what you want and why you want it. Based on the people you will or will not hurt in the process.

You have to decide if it's worth it.

And somehow, I don't think it is.

Not this.

"hi! do you want me to pick you up? huh? yeah?" *beat* "HE'S POOPING, GUYS! HE'S POOPING!"

This is what I get when I try to be nice to my baby cousin.

He poops mid conversation.

Yeah.

--

Today I spent the day in my Grandma's house. This time, I brought Cheryl and Yann along. Ya'll know Cheryl, but I figure I should use this opportunity to tell you who Yann is so that you don't get confused.
Because I don't like confusing you.

Marbles.

Anyway, Yann is Cheryl's host brother. He is French and tall and skinny and French.
It was coolpants hanging out with them. Though we all got tired around midday, when we busted the coffee out and the Boggle set, things were fine again.

They both gambled with my dad and brother. I watched. Gambling isn't really my thing. Call me a party pooper if you must, but I know this is going to be to my advantage in the future.

I don't know who won or who lost, I wasn't paying attention. I was falling asleep.

Longggg asssssss dayyyyyyyy.

It was fun, though.

I wore a skirt.

I know.

Shocking.

Try not to fall out of your chair or anything. Laugh if you must. I don't really care. I think I'm over the whole 'Amanda doesn't wear skirts' thing. I still won't wear them if given the choice, though.
I tried to sit on the floor today.

Yeah. No. Jeans. Forever and always.

The only reason I agreed to get into a skirt today was that Cheryl called me at around nine this morning and screamed that she was wearing a dress and that I should wear one too.
No I am not exaggerating. She actually did scream.
I was fast asleep before that and wanted her to go away so that I could continue sleeping so I tried to compromise my way out of it. I told her I didn't have a dress that I wanted to wear but would wear a skirt.

She then said 'really?' about five hundred times before considering my deal a legit one and then she said 'oh-kay, I'll see you later' and hung up.

I then went back to sleep.

When I woke up, what I had said dawned upon me.

Yes, this is the part where you can laugh again.

Yann thinks my dad is funny because he spoke to him in a French accent.
It was very funny.
Like 'laugh out loud' funny. My dad also tried to trick him a kabillion times into thinking things were what they weren't.

For example, steamboat is when you get onto a boat and eat food where the steam comes out.
Any food.
Just as long as you are on a boat and there is steam.

I think my dad is a clown.

Also, I don't know how he managed to get married.

Ah, the mysteries of the universe.

Hope you are all enjoying your holidays and what not.

:)

i don't know why i'm blogging, everyone is too busy to read

hello random internet person.

For whatever reason you need to know, my day was one factor short of perfect.

But I am okay.

Today, I gave away the one thing that has been problem for a while. It is no longer an option. Yes, I can find my way around it. But making it more difficult to will help me get over this.

Last night marked the hardest I've ever fought.

And I won.

Here's me sharing my victory with you.

"i'm not afraid of fire, i am fire! HAIYAAAAH!"

My cousin, Braden, said that.

I think he's funny.

--

I got up to go to Grandma's today. We were supposed to leave the house at one.
We left at four.
Adam decided to conveniently fall asleep after playing football and so we all had to wait for him to get up. Instead of doing productive things, I spent my time watching cartoons. Do I regret it?

Nope.

Before I sat down in front of the idiot box, mum sent me out to deliver stuff to out neighbours. It's a funny story. Auntie Debbie, across the street, said:

"Are you guys...going off or something?"

*confusion* *realisation* "Oh, no. Mum's just - very punctual."

"Oh. Haha. I'll do mine later and pass it to you."

"Haha. Alright. Don't worry about it. Take care."

I must explain, for those unaware, TOMORROW is the first day of New Year. So passing stuff out is not what people are concerned with yet.

The next neighbour I delivered stuff to was hesitant about letting me in. They still opened the gate for me, though. As I walked up to the front door, three generations peered at me inquisitively.

I let them stare a while before gesticulating wildly towards my house and saying,

"I'm from across the street. Sue and ManHon's house?"

"AHHHH. My, you have grown!"

Haha.

Classic.

I have grown, though. TALLER, I might add.

Then I idiot boxed for the better part of two hours. Yei me. :)

We hung out at Gramma's place for the majority of the waking today. It was fun. I ate a lot, I think. I am full. FULL.

It was cool seeing my cousins again. I don't have very many cousins and they all live in remote areas. They're all younger than me and full of energy, which means they get tiring after a certain point. But I still like seeing them. :)

This is Bryan. He's the newest arrival.

I want to punch him.

No, seriously, this kid is adorable.

Anyway, I got a good workout playing with him. My arms are gonna hurt tomorrow.

Chinese New Year begins tomorrow.

Have a great one.

:)

twloha day

I'm going to Narnia.

--
To Write Love On Her Arms:

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery

Today is TWLOHA day.
All you have to do to participate is write the word 'love' on your arm and when people ask, explain it to them. Simple.

Click here to read more about them and the inspiring work they do.

Rach did this today.

:)

--

I had a good today.
Spotted this while food shopping with the madre after dinner:

I am, apparently, worth only RM137.50.

I don't know how I feel about that. :S

Heh.

Hope you're all well.

:)

cookie monster love...OR NOTTT!

Squishysquishysquishsquish. :)

--

On Tuesday something kinda funny happened.

I was wearing my Cookie Monster t-shirt.
I like that shirt.
I like eating cookies in that shirt. Heh. I feel it gives me permission to eat more cookies.
Yum.

So anyway, I was on the way to Law with Cheryl when I noticed that there was a girl walking in the opposite direction of us.

She was ALSO wearing a Cookie Monster shirt.

We did not acknowledge each other or high five.

Instead, she held her file up to cover her shirt.

I think she deprived me of an awesome moment.

Yes, I am making this her fault.

--

This happened in the car on the way to church today:

Mum: Did you leave your aircond on?

Me: No.

Mum: WHY NOT? You KNOW how expensive the bill is. You ALWAYS leave it on and don't swtich it off when you leave-

Me: Waiwaiwait. Can you ask me the question again so that I can answer you with the same answer I answered you with just now?

Mum: ...did you leave your aircond on?

Me. *slowly* Noooo.

*beat*

Mum: Oh.


HAHA.

THATISAFAIL.

--

Hi Rae. Get back to work. You shouldn't be on here. Heh.

Hope you're all well.

:)

monkeyyy!

i have a headache

the squish made me promise to sleep early, so after i post this i am going to take my contacts out and crash.

--

i had a lot of funny things to talk about today but i can barely see what is in front of me so i guess i'll have to tell y'all about it tomorrow.

i can't even capitalise.

goodnight world.

hope you can last another day.

raisin: the new cheeseburger

Do you need me as much as I need you?

--

Hello.

This morning, I woke up so tired that I felt like the only solution to the problem was to stay in bed and not get up for another week.
I felt like a ZOMBIE.

:F

That is a drooling zombie.
It is drooling because zombies are dead and therefore have no control over their jaws or salivary glands.

But I felt much better after breakfast, a cancelled law class and a can of red bull.

I had a good day, I think.

At one point I managed to spray the back of my shorts with water.
I know.
I am insanely talented.

So I had to walk from KE all the way to Wisma. For those of you that don't know, that's about a 200-300m walk. In the open.
With a HUGE wet patch on my butt.

At first I was kind of self conscious about it. My shorts were light grey and the patch really showed up dark on them. But then I got tired of being conscious about it and was all,
"You know what? Wet or dry, a butt's still a butt."
I said that out loud. Like, really loud. Sna heard me and said,
"Huh. That makes sense."

Yeah.

Then my butt dried. It was still a butt.

End of story.

Hope you are all well.

hugs.

:)

honesty

I never met anyone more capable of being a friend than you.

--

hi.

You know what I've discovered recently?

Honesty is appreciated.
"DUH, you idiot." I know you're all thinking.
But I honestly just realised how much difference it makes.

For example, in the past, during conversations, I'd filter what I said so that the other person would get to hear what they wanted to hear regardless of the fact I would have rather said something else.
Either that, or I'd talk about my ideas rather than what I've actually done.

When I was asked my opinion, I'd give it. But I wouldn't ever explain how I came to that conclusion.

Sure, I wasn't lying. But I wasn't being completely truthful.

Nowadays, I've caught myself being a lot more honest with the people around me.
More honest with myself.

I cannot begin to explain how at peace you become with everything else when you start being more honest.

For the first time in a long time, I can say the phrase:

"I'm happy."

And mean it to the absolute core.

And I tell you, right. That makes me feel even better.
Hope you're well.

:)

happy birthday, rach

Today is Rachel's birthday.

She just turned 21.

I think she's coolpants and a great friend.



I couldn't ask for more.

this is how i know i live an unhealthy life

I went for brunch this morning with Cheryl.
Where did we eat?
McDonalds.

On the way back to Rach's place from the new house, where did we stop for tea?
McDonalds.

I threw some stuff into the bin when I got home from Rach's house.
What was in the bin?
McDonalds.

Seriously, man. If they wanted to, that company could literally rule the world.

I had a great day.

Waved at a guy waving a flag.

He smiled.

ACHIEVEMENT.

Hope you are alllllll welllllllll.

:)

wild hoats

My nose is itchy.

I rubbed it really hard. My contacts are still on and were dry. When I rubbed my nose, my eyes watered and moisturised my contacts. Now my eyes feel fine and my nose doesn't itch anymore.

Problem solved.

--

Hi blog.

As of yesterday, I decided that from now on I'm gonna call the folks that keep me company during my hours at school shall be collectively referred to as the 'motley crew'.

Why?

Because, in actuality, none of us are coordinated enough to be ninjas.

Today, we had our Lit class in a broom closet. Okay, it doesn't store actual brooms, but we're all pretty sure that it was made for that purpose rather than a classroom. Sure, you can fake it by putting a plate on the door that says 'TUTORIAL ROOM 1', but you can't trick us.
We know you didn't mean that to be a class.

Seriously, there are only eleven of us, including Ms. C. By the time we were halfway through the lecture, we all were starting to sweat.
Literally.
But we were having a lot of fun.

Ms. C: Wild Oats (a name of a poem)

Cheryl: Wild hoats?!

Motley Crew: OATS. Hahahahahahahaha.

Me: What's a hoat? Is that some kind of mutant goat?

Motley Crew: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ms. C: You have the giggles. *snicker*

*beat*

Me: That's because there isn't any oxygen left in here.

Class: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

I realise I cannot record this conversation properly. I attribute it to the fact that I can't remember anything that happened in that room due to the fact that there wasn't any air to breathe. Heh.

We all have the day off tomorrow.

:)

I realise I haven't told you how I'm feeling in a while. I'll tell you now. I feel great. I'm tired and want to snuggle up in bed and not get up for a long time, but I feel so alive it is insane.
I kind of feel like I discovered some sort of secret to being happy.

A couple weeks ago, I wasn't feeling very good. I'd spend about an hour every morning trying to convince myself to get out of bed. Then, I'd mope around the house for a while. Hardly productive at all.
I felt like I was thinking too much about everything and like my brain wouldn't shut up. I couldn't sleep because the thoughts would rage. Then, I'd dream vividly and wake up feeling frustrated about whatever I was dreaming about.
The process would then repeat itself. Day in and day out.

I talked to Rach about it, but there was really only so much she could do. It got to a point where our conversation ended with her saying this to me,

"I'm tired and I'm going to sleep now. Call me when you're better."

We hung up.

The next day, I told myself that I needed to feel better. That feeling bad wasn't helping me any. I instantly felt better.
It was then that I realised that all I needed to do was get to that point where I'd shut up and stop feeling sorry for myself.

It was in my control the whole time.

Since then, I've been having really good days because it is just that easy.

:)

It's awesome.

Hope you're well.

love is the movement

winnie the pooh or paddington?

Winnie the Pooh.

Hands down.

--

Okay, I take back what I said yesterday about not being ready for school.

This morning, I woke up at 8.45, snoozed until nine, opened my eyes and felt a surge of happiness. I was so unbelievably content.

No rushing. I slowly got out of bed, into the bathroom, out again to get dressed and downstairs.

My grandma surprised me with breakfast. I was planning to skip it, but how can I say no? Haha. It was cool.
I sat in the car not feeling the least bit tired and having a nice chat with dad about the new Myvi.

See, it was right then when I realised I was ready for school. There was no sinking feeling in my gut upon realisation the semester was starting again. I was just happy to have another day.
I've somewhat lost my ability to whistle properly, but if I hadn't, I would have been whistling this morning.

Lunch with the peeps at Pappa Rich this afternoon.

Fun times.

Lit was super awesome today. We all sat in a circle of desks in the ONLY SECTION OF THE ROOM THAT HAD AIR COND. Sna and I sat on the floor because we are rebels. Also, the floor was cooler than the chairs. Also, we are rebels.

Mmmmmm. :)

That's how I feel. Do you know what that feels like? If you don't, you should seriously try it out some time, man. It's brilliant.

No, you don't understand how brilliant this feels.

--

Today, I talked to:
Raelene, Idris, Reyna, Ammy and Christine.
In that order. They're all far away in Australia. Again, nice feeling. :)

I made three strangers smile today.

Not as many as yesterday, but more than none.

Hope you guys are doing great.

:)

iPad: brainstorm fail

I'm gonna love.
I choose to love because this is my now.

And if I don't love now, when I am going to?

--

I enjoyed the peaceful nothingness that was my day.

I slept really late and would have preferred NOT receiving that call in the early morning insisting that I move, but we can't all get what we want.
I'm over it now.

Tomorrow, I go back to school. I'm not sure how I feel about that yet. After Cheryl's party, it became quite clear that being around everyone is more than a bucket of fun. I do look forward to seeing them all and hanging out again.
But I'm not sure I've had enough time to sit back without any guilt and just not do anything.

My last exam was on Friday and I had applications to do on Saturday. So technically, I've only had two full days of freedom.

They're well appreciated, but a full seven days would have been swell.

Maybe I would have had time to clean my room. I've forgotten what colour the floor is.

Haha.

I checked the iPad out just now. I think it's a great concept and all, but cannot even imagine what went on in that brainstorming room to make them all think that 'iPad' was a good name.

This is exactly the kind of attention Brad Pitt's kid would get in school if his dad decided to name him 'Arm'.

You're just bloody asking for trouble, man.

But I can't get righteously angry about this because it's too darn funny. YouTubers jumped on it immediately and I'll tell you, they gave NO mercy.
Hahahahaha.

I made four strangers smile today.

:)

Feels good.

Hope you're well.