when i get insecure, i put on one of your shirts because it makes me feel better. it's like getting a hug. a hug that smells like you.

[12/31/09] cheryl d'souza: sigh. THANK YOU
[12/31/09] Amanda Shiew: don't sigh!
[12/31/09] Amanda Shiew: sighing makes you a muffin!
[12/31/09] cheryl d'souza: a....muffin?
[12/31/09] Amanda Shiew: YES
[12/31/09] Amanda Shiew: you know how you sag a bit when you sigh?
[12/31/09] Amanda Shiew: the sagging will eventually turn you into a muffin
[12/31/09] cheryl d'souza: ....
[12/31/09] cheryl d'souza: i dont have a response
[12/31/09] Amanda Shiew: why not?
[12/31/09] Amanda Shiew: this is so logical
[12/31/09] cheryl d'souza: it is logical
[12/31/09] cheryl d'souza: which is why i have nothing to say

--

hi.

I feel weird.

Not good weird or bad weird. Just weird. Like I somehow accidentally stepped into a time machine and have been sucked back two years.

Nothing happened, but at the same time, something did.

There is just this general feeling of being fifteen again.
(Don't you DARE start singing that song.)

It's like when I take a deep breath, I breathe the air I breathed back then. You know how certain smells trigger certain memories? It's like that.

I have also seemed to develop the emptiness bubble.

The emptiness bubble usually occurs during the holidays when you are away from the people you are usually in contact with. You wake up late and stay up later. Days meld together and there is a sense of general floaty-ness.

The emptiness bubble causes you to get really in your head about things that you really shouldn't think about so much.

It makes you dream vividly and violently.

It makes you act differently than you would normally.

I feel like I'm walking around without purpose despite the fact that I am studying for exams that will make my future.

Apathy has set in again.


In modern terms, I suppose the best description of this feeling is 'meh'.

But it isn't really.

It's so much more than that.

Fifteen was kind of scary for me. Mostly because it was the year I needed to talk about certain things, but had literally no one to discuss them with.

Does this mean that it's happening again?

i'll bite my tongue

"I'm so sick of your voice."

And you wonder why I sometimes hate being at home.

This happens very often, and most of the time I am okay enough to let it slip by and let it go without it affecting me much or at all. But when it builds up to a point like this, it kind of stabs harder.

As much I pretend I am okay with hearing stuff like that, I really wish you wouldn't say it.

You're supposed to be encouraging. I literally cannot remember the last positive thing you've said to me about something I've said or done.

And I had my mind set on having a good day.

when i feel underserving

this is how I feel right now.

--

My eyes hurt.

I just got my glasses powered up and because I am wearing them, they are giving me a slight headache. But not enough of one to prevent me from writing this post.

--

Yesterday, I went to a party. It was a high school reunion party and was awesome. I saw the people I have been missing for a long time and spent a bunch of time catching up.

Yesterday was supposed to be a good day.

But due to a couple of moments of bad judgement, yesterday, I disappointed my best friend.

It wasn't supposed to happen and I had announced it out loud a couple of times that night. That I needed to make a call when I got home. But I still screwed up.

Take chances, take a lot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up and with whom, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are. You learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel, always. Be you, and be okay with it.
unknown

This is quite comforting in a time like this.

Through the tears and the slight slur I made countless apologies hoping that one of them would get through not understanding that the first one did.

"I forgive you."

It took me three hours to drift off because I was still kind of horrified at what I had done.

I woke up four hours later to a text from her.

shesamazing.

S, I won't forget my promise.

--

m

good afternoon

"Do I bore you?"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

--



This is pretty.
--

I have been awake for a long time. I've spent it reading and editing my singular college application. (that's a long story I will tell sometime in the near future.)

I have exams coming up and they scare the crap out of me.

But, when my brain stops spinning with all the numbers and terms I have to remember, I think about what we talked about waaaay the other day.

And in response to that, I say:



And I know you know.

a magical time of year

Merry Christmas, everyone. :)

Okay, yeah. I missed the ACTUAL date, but there is a perfectly logical explanation for that.

Yesterday, to cure my crappy day, I gate crashed a party. Seriously. Not only was it just a party, but it was a family party. Yeah, I didn't think I had the ovaries for it either. But turns out I do. OVARIES OF STEEL, MAN.

What happened was that I sent Anne a text asking what she was doing. All I was thinking of was making a looooooong phone call when she was free at night. But she invited me over, and I was powerless to refuse.

Thing is, she asked me over for dinner WHILE I was eating dinner with my family. So I was full when I got to the house. Still, I managed to force down the super yum turkey. Talk about stuffing...

HAHA.

...puns...

Anyway, yeah. So after the crazy eating a lot and talking a lot and being interrupted a lot and wrapping presents that were to be opened half an hour after they were wrapped and then the actual unwrapping, I was ready to go home. By this time, however, it was one in the morning.

Not a problem on a normal basis but because I had slept the afternoon away, I needed to finish the Christmas cards I was to give out that morning.

They. Took. Forever.

The thirteen cards took me five hours to finish. Do note that every single card starts out as a blank piece of paper. What I do is after checking my list twice (heh), I draw a picture on the front and then write a personal message on the inside. That's why it takes so bloody long per card.

I ended up crashing at six something on the couch in the den. I woke up about half an hour later when the boys started a racket downstairs with the present opening and such. I was tempted to join them for a bit. Then I decided that I was more tired than excited to open my presents.

They let me sleep in till nine.

Got ready for and went to church. The Christmas play was great. I think everyone did a brilliant job and that the response was super encouraging.

Things were also fixed this morning. :)

After church was lunch, after lunch was home. Basically hung out with Alex and Adam. Nerf gunning, trying to sleep on the living room couch, failing to sleep on the living room couch and eating the random pieces of chocolate that were thrown at me.
Then was the shower.
And then was dinner with the relatives.

Went to Italiannies in the Curve with mum's side of the family. There was way too much food, despite us ordering carefully to avoid such a situation. Fail.

I SENT NINJA TO BE FIXED.

I have a good feeling about it, and hopefully this time next week will have Ninja back in my hand. I miss the awesome ringtones that came out of his speaker. The phone I'm using now is kind of weird in that department. But yeah. Still. *fingers crossed*

THEN, I was dropped off at Rach's place to hang out. They had a dinner party thing which was awesome fun and super crowded. Yei. :)

Played Boggle till late.

Late as in one in the morgan.

Again.

Ask me what kind of mood I'm in.

Go on.

What's that you say? What kind of mood am I in? Hah. I never thought you'd ask.

I'm in a good mood. I'm in a good mood because everything that was broken yesterday was mended today.

iloveyou.

--

wine makes me warm

:)

tis the season to be jolly

but I kinda want to crawl into a hole and hide for a while.

Sometimes, I have inexplicably bad days that sound as if they are going to be awesome but end up sucking the rear end of a particularly flatulent baboon.

I feel hurt, but at the same time I kind of feel like I deserve it. So I can't do anything about it. So I'm hiding in my room.

I'm confused. I don't know whether I should be running far in the opposite direction or trying to dig my heels deeper into the ground.

I'm also kind of frustrated.

Because today, I had to fight myself alone. And for the first time in a while,

I lost.

when my brain won't put anything in order

"Where's your other half?" he asked.

I pointed to the bathroom.

--

Don't you just hate it when school gives you fake holidays? Its when give you a whole load of days off but something responsible to do at the end of it. That's what I have now. I have just over a month of no classes but exams in January. So though I'd LOVE to sleep in everyday, I have to get up and hit the books.

Wheeee.

I also have applications to do.

My life is SO chock full of excitement.

--

What is this nonsense about the new show Stitch! on Disney? What happened to Lilo?

STUFF LIKE THIS DESTROYS CHILDHOOD.

I am legitimately upset.

--

Last night, Alex and I decided that we were hungry and solved the problem by calling McDonalds at nine. We brought the feast into the den and turned on the TV. We spent the next hour watching SpongeBob and Jimmy Neutron which is about the time when mum walked in on the both of us.

Mum: You're sitting here watching cartoons and eating McDonalds?

Us: Uh. Yeah.

Mum: *scoff*

Haha. I don't think she realises yet how well she brought us up.

--

Today, I took Adam to 7-11 to get a Slurpee. The first cup exploded all over my hands and the floor.

The second cup exploded on top of the remnants of the first explosion.

I think the guy behind the counter didn't know whether to be amused or pissed off.

Then I paid him with a RM50 note.

If he wasn't pissed off yet, he sure was after that.

He gave me my change and I bolted, Adam trailing behind me.

--

Pinocchio is playing on Disney tonight. Adam has yet to see it. I think I should be a good sister and educate him by forcing him to watch it.

As well as every other single Disney movie before his time.

Because all the good ones happened then.

:)

The new layout: an explanation

I was bored with the old one.

Bai.

Youth Camp '09 : DIE HARD, LIVE FREE

17th - 20th December
PINES RESORT, FRASER'S HILL

--

Why, hello there, blogworld. I meant to leave both a blog entry and a fb status update about where I was gonna be this past weekend, but I was busy the night before I left, so didn't bother to.
That's why it appeared as if I was sucked into a black hole.

I wasn't.

This year's camp was about discipleship. In a nutshell, we were taught that in order to follow Christ we have to first die to ourselves as it's the only way to life free. That we have to take up our own crosses, no matter how heavy, and carry them.

It was an action packed few days. And it was freezing cold. Usually, I love the cold, but there were a couple of mornings I could have done without it.

This year, though not on the committee, I found it hard to spend a lot of time with my team. Shaun and I were in charge of leading three sessions, so time that was not spent eating, sleeping or showering was spent in the hall singing and re-singing songs. Everything was ordered and re-ordered. Musicians were swapped out and brought in last minute. It was crazy. Not helping was the fact that both Shaun and I are positively anal about getting arrangements perfect before we lead.

Everything turned out well though. :)

I think we're both extremely relieved with the outcome. We had a great team to work with.

I hope that the people got as much as we did out of Saturday night. I think I speak for everyone when I say it was mindblowing.

This God guy, He's seriously cool.

I wish I could say more about it, but you really had to be there yourself to know what an experience it was. :)

Because I think everyone should see this.

*collapse*

Where am I?

I'm in the church cafeteria, sitting like a loner, hunched over a computer.

Why?

I have worship practice in an hour and didn't have the transport to come at a time closer to zero hour. Issokay though, at least I have the internet to keep me entertained.

But I'm still nodding off as I go.

haha.

--

OMGTHEPRODUCTIONISOVERRRRR.


Most of you who know me personally know that this week was the week the production I was involved in was staged. That would also explain why I haven't been posting anything for a while. Bump in was on Monday at ten and bump out was today at nine. The time in between was spent running around, carrying heavy things, sweating and sometimes, maybe, catching a breath.

This week was also the week that I needed to finish writing all my application essays. Cheryl did too, so we stayed up on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday to finish up with them. The deal was to stay up till four, sleep and get up at eight to get into college. It worked marvellously for the three days. But on Wednesday, my body couldn't take it anymore and started breaking down.

My nose went bonkers and I could barely keep my eyes open. Rach managed to save me by bringing Panadol when she came to watch the show.

The few hiccups that happened during the first show were eradicated during the second. The hiccups during the second, were terminated for the third. After working non-stop for days in a row, it was amazingly satisfying to see everything unravel.

I am exhausted.

But it's a happy kind of exhausted.

I'm probably going to miss being locked in that auditorium from ten to ten everyday.


:)

screaming monkeys

"Are you happy?"

"Yeah. Are you?"

"Yeah."

--

Today is someone's birthday. I can totally feel it, but I don't know whose it is. I just checked fb and it says it's Heta's birthday. Happy Birthday Heta! I miss you.

I. am. hungry.

I didn't have an appetite for dinner today, so I didn't eat much. I'm kind of regretting that now, because my stomach us rumbling something awful. Super growl. But it's late. So I'm not going to feed it. Get up tomorrow for breakfast

I've decided to talk about something that happened on Wednesday.

After my Econs mock, mum came to pick me up. She's the principal of this year's VBS so has to be in church for both sessions. This means that she doesn't have time to send me home. I just get in the car, and we go right back to church.

When my laptop REFUSED to connect to the WiFi there, I gave up and began to wander. Reyna was there, so naturally just plonked myself down at her table to annoy her. She ended up pinching me. It hurt. HAHA. I was asking for it, though.

We decided that ninjas are awesomer than pirates because all pirates do is steal stuff and get scurvy.

Then she had to go. :(

Callie showed up a bit later, so we started talking. Close to the end of the conversation, we heard some manic screaming from the general area of the committee room. There were a bunch of people in our general area who were as confused as we are, but seemed to accept my explanation that there was a crazy monkey nearby. It didn't stop.

Uncle Brandon walked by and asked,

"What is that noise?!?!"

"Crazy monkey," I said.

Then it happened.

The monkey said my name.

I FLIPPED OUT.

I said a hurried goodbye to everyone there and ran to the committee room. Mum was like "oh, there she is" as I looked at her in horror. Turns out, they had one of the kids call me. But instead of using a normal voice, the kid used a shrieky, crazy monkey one.

After laughing at what went down, mum and I left.

*sigh*

Is the craziness that will never stop.

Hope you're well.

:)

Kevin, Kevin, if you're able

MOCKS ARE OVERRRR!

YEAHHHHHH!

Now the focus shifts to the production next week, college apps and worship for camp. Awesome.

--

My hands feel like they are freezing off. I'm gonna keep this brief.

On Tuesday, Iqa and I met an ant named Kevin. He hung out with us while we sat at the ticket booth, making sure nothing was taken. This morning, I woke up early to go into college to study for Econs.

About half an hour into my loner study session, I saw a black dot. Kevin was back. He decided to walk over my notes and onto my laptop. I let him explore. Mostly, he stayed on the laptop.
And I actually did begin to feel less lonely.
He kind of just clambered around, not disturbing me.

After a madly awesome lunch with Ms. C and the Lit gang, us Econs kids headed fearfully for room 2.5. As I was unpacking my stuff, I managed to push the desk attached to the chair I was using in a way that sent it crashing on the desk next to me.

As I started picking everything back up, I noticed there was a black spot on the white table. After a double take, I realised that my good old buddy old pal had shown up again in a time of need.

"IT'S KEVIN!" I shouted at Iqa.

Everyone else thought we were mad. *shrug* Whatever.

Kevin stuck around for the duration of the paper.

Kevin is awesome.

Goodnight.

--

P.S. Reyna, you totally left a bruise. Haha. :) It's pancakes. Don't worry about it.